What Was The Inspiration For 9takes?
My wife and I almost destroyed our marriage before we figured out we weren't speaking the same language.
Not literally — we both speak English. But we were using the same words to mean completely different things. And every attempt to “fix” our communication made it worse.
The fights got louder. The silences got longer. We started wondering if we’d made a mistake.
Then a marriage counselor handed us a personality test. And everything changed.
What we learned through counseling and personality tests
After my wife and I failed multiple times to resolve our conflict, we went to counseling.
At the time, many topics of conversation would quickly lead to yelling and/or tears. The counselor we went to helped us get the conversation going to a place where we could both listen to each other (deep dive into listening later). We realized we were jumping to conclusions and operating on autopilot in many conversations. We were being “triggered” (this was a new concept for me). We also realized that the things we say to each other can mean completely different things.
We were being triggered and rushing to conclusions.
Over time, we zeroed in on our differences by taking personality tests. Intellectually, we knew we were different, but we would get surprised every time the other person didn’t see things our way. The personality tests started to give us language around our thoughts and feelings. We started with the MBTI and then moved on to the Enneagram because it went deeper, uncovering our emotional baggage (MBTI and Enneagram comparison). Turns out I’m an Enneagram 8 — direct to the point of blunt, and I don’t always realize how hard my words land. My wife is a 7 — optimistic, fast-moving, but when she feels cornered her mind races to the worst possible version of what’s happening.
As we started diving deep into all these personality layers, listening became the most important skill that we were developing.
What it means to “listen”
The trick we learned through counseling was how to listen to each other.
It’s not about quietly letting the other person talk. It is about making the other person feel like you understand them. Sometimes, people say you must show empathy or “mirror” the other person. But you are trying to make the other person feel like you get them.
This is echoed by an FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss. He talks about how negotiations aren’t about logic but making the other side feel completely understood.
We learned that most of your relationship problems can be sorted out if you slow down and listen to each other. I noticed that this seemed to be the main thing therapists do. Therapists don’t talk at you; they sit and listen to you and help you feel understood before they give any input.
What happens when you don’t feel understood
It is not a small thing seeking to be understood. When someone tries to express something and you don’t show them you understand, it’s as if you’re telling them their reality doesn’t make sense. That they need to change how they think and feel.
People react to this in ways that make everything worse. They go quiet. They get angry. They write you off as someone who can’t understand them. Sometimes they start a vendetta to make you understand. Be on the lookout for a topic changing too fast, someone suddenly going silent, or someone saying “you are not listening to me.” They may be right — you may be hearing the words, but the other person does not feel understood.
My wife and I lived all of this. We’d start talking about something, and it would build and build until we both realized nothing was getting through. We’d have to stop and take a break.
Here’s what understanding our types revealed: when my wife (a 7) feels misunderstood, her brain spirals. After our worst fights she’d later tell me, “I thought you were the worst person ever.” Then when we’d make up: “Oh my gosh, I forgot — you’re not actually the worst person ever.” She needed to pull herself out of the spiral and remember who I actually was beneath the argument.
On my side (an 8), I say things harshly without realizing it. Something I think is just direct, she hears as an attack. I’ve had to learn to say, “Hey, I’m trying to say something and I want to say it the right way — work with me as I get this out.” That one disclaimer changed our fights more than any grand insight about personality.
It takes real effort to make sure you’re saying what you mean and that it’s landing the way you intend. Words mean different things to different people. You might say something and the other person takes it in a completely different direction than you meant. The gap between what you said and what they heard — that’s where most relationship damage happens.
You, me, and others need to be listened to 👂
After having a series of conversations where my wife and I felt like we were understanding each other, she told me to take a personality test.
At first, I didn’t want to because I thought personality tests were pseudo-science. I didn’t think I would get anything out of it. However, since I couldn’t solve our relationship problems, I figured that I should be open to other solutions and perspectives. I figured I had nothing to lose. So I gave it a shot.
And yeah, I got something out of it.
I was mind-blown 🤯. It was telling me things about myself that I felt but had never verbalized. It made me see myself from a bird’s eye view. It gave me a framework for understanding why I was the way I was. And I agreed with the framework. I wanted to know more about myself, my wife, and all the other people in my life. I went down a rabbit hole, reading everything I could about personality. A new language opened up to me. It felt like I had a secret.
I would start conversations with other people about personality, but only some were open to it.
Some people didn’t want to talk about personality, thinking it was pseudo-science like I had thought, and some people were straight-up hostile to it. I soon realized the back and forth was not helpful. I had been on a journey, but the other side needed to go on their own. 👣
It was better to ask specific questions.
Questions are the key
Don’t tell someone to go on a journey. Ask them questions that lead them on a journey.
I only started making progress when I started asking people questions. And this applies everywhere — not just when exploring personality, but in every conversation where something feels off.
When you hear something and have an immediate reaction, that’s a cue. There’s uncertainty in the gap between what was said and what you heard. A way to help yourself: “Hey, so you said this — did you mean this?” That one move — clarifying before reacting — defuses more conflict than any comeback or counterpoint ever will.
If you’re upset with something someone said, ask a question before you respond. Did they want to hurt you? Likely not. Did they have ill intention? Likely not. If you approach things with curiosity instead of certainty, it changes the entire dynamic.
This applies to personality too. How are people similar or different from others in their lives? What celebrity are they similar to? Start thinking about that and you can quickly get into discussions about personality. The responses usually fell into two broad categories:
- “I am too unique, and no one is like me”
- “I am like everyone else, everyone is the same”
Both are partially true. People are both similar and different — it’s a spectrum. Realizing that spectrum is the unlock, and it’s where growth happens. At the extreme end, people feel like there’s nothing to learn:
- “People are too similar ➡️ there is nothing to learn from personality”
- “People are too different ➡️ there is nothing to learn from personality”
These perspectives stifle curiosity. Personality attempts to map out the dimensions by which people are similar and different. That is all it is. And questions are the tool that gets people curious enough to explore it.
Finding a place to explore people’s similarities and differences
I went looking for a place where these conversations were already happening.
I scoured Reddit, Discord, every online community I could find. The conversations were either too shallow (“OMG I’m such a Type 4!”) or too fragmented to build real understanding.
Reddit’s structure makes deep connection almost impossible — the algorithm rewards quick takes, not genuine exploration.
So I built the thing I couldn’t find.
I wanted to explore personality — specifically the Enneagram. I wanted a space where people could share their fears, motivations, and how they actually communicate. I wanted to help couples like my wife and me stop talking past each other.
But I also wanted something bigger: a place where people say what they actually think. Right now, online, people aren’t honest because they know they’ll get harassed in the comments. It stifles real conversation. I wanted a space where people could be genuinely honest without the fear of being piled on.
The Enneagram has nine core types. For every question, there are at least nine perspectives worth hearing. That’s where the name came from: 9takes. And the Greek aesthetic is a nod to question-first discourse — here’s why the Greek vibe.
I built 9takes because I wish it had existed when my wife and I were screaming past each other. Maybe it would have helped us hear each other sooner. But beyond our marriage — think about it from first principles. What could you accomplish if you could actually ask the world real questions and get honest, unbiased answers?
That’s what I’m trying to build.
Frequently Asked Questions
Did the Enneagram fix your marriage?
No. We still fight. The difference is now the fights actually go somewhere. Before the Enneagram, we’d argue in circles — same patterns, same dead ends, no resolution. Now when things escalate, we have language for what’s happening. I can catch myself being too blunt (classic 8) and she can catch herself spiraling into worst-case thinking (classic 7). The Enneagram didn’t eliminate conflict. It made conflict productive.
What if someone doesn’t believe in personality tests?
I was that person. I thought it was pseudo-science. What changed my mind wasn’t being convinced — it was being desperate. When nothing else was working in my marriage, I figured I had nothing to lose. My suggestion: don’t try to convince anyone. Just ask them questions about themselves. Most people will talk about their own patterns all day if you give them the right question.
Why the Enneagram over MBTI?
We started with MBTI and it helped. But the Enneagram goes deeper — it maps your core fears, motivations, and the emotional baggage you carry into every conversation. MBTI tells you how someone processes information. The Enneagram tells you why they react the way they do when things get heated. For relationships, that “why” is everything. Full comparison here.
