Why You Keep Sabotaging New Relationships (Your Enneagram Knows)

(Updated: 8/15/2025)

Three dates in. Everything's perfect. Then you do it again.

That thing. Your thing.

The pattern that kills every promising connection before it can bloom.

Maybe you:

  • Pick apart their flaws until attraction dies (Type 1)
  • Give so much you lose yourself entirely (Type 2)
  • Perform so hard you forget to actually connect (Type 3)

You’re not broken. You’re just running an unconscious program installed in childhood.

The Enneagram reveals these hidden patterns—and more importantly, how to break them.

The Early Relationship Graveyard: Where Good Connections Go to Die

Type Your Sabotage Pattern What It Looks Like The Unconscious Fear
1 Perfection paralysis Mental scorecard of flaws “If it’s not perfect, I’ll be disappointed”
2 Self-abandonment Becoming whoever they need “If I have needs, they’ll leave”
3 Performance anxiety Dating resume instead of presence “If they see the real me, I’m not enough”
4 Intensity addiction Creating drama for connection “Ordinary love isn’t real love”
5 Emotional fortress Analyzing feelings to death “If I open up, I’ll be consumed”
6 Trust terrorism Testing until they fail “Everyone eventually betrays”
7 Depth avoidance Keeping it light forever “If we go deep, I’ll feel trapped”
8 Vulnerability armor Dominating to stay safe “If I soften, I’ll be hurt”
9 Identity erasure Merging into them “If I assert myself, they’ll leave”

You Might Be Sabotaging If


  • You’ve had the same relationship ending multiple times with different people
  • Friends can predict exactly how your relationships will implode
  • You feel like you’re watching yourself destroy something good
  • Your dating life is Groundhog Day with different faces
  • You know what you’re doing wrong but can’t stop

The truth? These patterns protected you once. Now they’re prison bars.

Type 1 - The Perfectionist: When Standards Become Sabotage

The Childhood Download

Love had conditions. Good behavior earned affection. Mistakes brought withdrawal.

Now you date with a clipboard, checking boxes, noting infractions.

The adult pattern: Seeking the perfect partner to avoid the pain of disappointment.

You Might Be a Type 1 If:

  • Their grammar mistakes physically hurt you
  • You’ve already planned how to “improve” them
  • You notice what’s wrong before what’s right
  • You give feedback disguised as “helpful suggestions”
  • Perfect first dates still feel somehow lacking

Your Dating Kryptonite

The inner critic on steroids.

While they’re sharing their dreams, you’re cataloging their split ends. While they’re being vulnerable, you’re judging their life choices.

“Great person, but
” becomes your dating tagline.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I need the perfect partner”
To: “I need a real partner who’s committed to growth”

Perfection is a myth that keeps you alone. Growth together is the real goal.

First Date Strategy for Type 1s

Choose structured spontaneity:

✓ Cooking classes - Mistakes become bonding moments
✓ Wine and paint nights - Imperfection is part of the art
✓ Hiking with multiple trail options - Structure with flexibility
✗ Fine dining - Pressure cooker for perfection
✗ Movies - No room for real connection

Texting hack: Set a 2-minute timer for responses. Send without editing. Let humanity show.

Vulnerability practice: Share three things you’re bad at. Watch the world not end.

The power move: On date two, deliberately show up 5 minutes late. Survive the imperfection.

Type 1s in relationships: Why you struggle with intimacy →

Type 2 - The Helper: When Giving Becomes Taking

The Childhood Download

Love required earning. Being needed meant being safe. Your worth = your service.

Now you date like an emotional EMT, rushing to rescue before checking if they need saving.

The adult pattern: Compulsive giving that creates covert contracts: “I gave you everything, now you owe me love.”

You Might Be a Type 2 If:

  • You know their coffee order after one mention
  • You’ve already figured out how to fix their problems
  • You feel anxious when they don’t need you
  • You remember their stories better than your own
  • You’re exhausted but keep giving anyway

Your Dating Kryptonite

Self-abandonment disguised as love.

You become a shapeshifter, morphing into their perfect partner. But they never meet YOU—just your performance of what you think they need.

“I don’t mind” becomes your most dangerous lie.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I earn love through giving”
To: “I deserve love for existing”

Your value isn’t in your utility. The right person loves you at rest.

First Date Strategy for Type 2s

Create mutual exchange:

✓ Coffee and walk - Equal conversation space
✓ Cooking together - Shared effort, shared result
✓ Board game cafĂ© - Playful competition, not caretaking
✗ Them venting, you solving - Not a therapy session
✗ You planning everything - Sets unhealthy precedent

Texting hack: Match their message length. If they send 10 words, you send 10-15. Not 100.

Vulnerability practice: When they offer help, accept it. No reciprocation required.

The power move: Share three of your needs. Ask for one to be met. Notice you don’t die.

Type 2s in relationships: Learn relationship dynamics →

Type 3 - The Achiever: When Success Becomes a Shield

The Childhood Download

Love was the trophy for achievement. Report cards brought hugs. Success brought attention.

Now you date like you’re closing a deal, showcasing ROI instead of revealing your heart.

The adult pattern: Performing intimacy instead of experiencing it.

You Might Be a Type 3 If:

  • Your dating profile reads like LinkedIn
  • You’ve rehearsed your “casual” success stories
  • Emotional conversations make you check your phone
  • You’re mentally calculating their market value
  • Rejection feels like quarterly losses

Your Dating Kryptonite

Treating connection like a KPI.

You optimize for impressiveness: career, abs, witty banter. Meanwhile, you miss the only metric that matters: genuine emotional connection.

“I showed them my best self”—but your best self is a hologram.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I am my achievements”
To: “I am worthy at rest”

Your value exists between the victories. Love happens in the quiet moments.

First Date Strategy for Type 3s

Choose vulnerability over victory:

✓ Beginner’s pottery class - Be bad at something together
✓ Food truck hopping - Keep it real, not refined
✓ Sunset hike - Share dreams, not spreadsheets
✗ Networking events - Work mode activated
✗ Competitive sports - Winning overtakes connecting

Texting hack: Share one failure for every success you mention.

Vulnerability practice: Admit you don’t know something. Ask them to teach you.

The power move: Turn off your phone for the entire date. Success = presence, not impressiveness.

Type 3s and authenticity: Stop performing, start connecting →

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Type 4 - The Individualist: When Intensity Becomes Instability

The Childhood Download

Being ordinary meant being invisible. Intensity brought attention. Drama meant connection.

Now you date like every interaction needs a soundtrack, turning coffee into cinema.

The adult pattern: Creating turbulence to confirm connection exists.

You Might Be a Type 4 If:

  • Small talk feels like soul death
  • You’re discussing childhood trauma by date two
  • Stable relationships feel somehow “less real”
  • You’ve ended things for being “too ordinary”
  • You romanticize the ones who hurt you

Your Dating Kryptonite

Addiction to emotional intensity.

You mistake drama for depth. Chaos for connection. You create problems just to feel something.

“If it’s not passionate, is it even real?”—Yes. The mundane is where love lives.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I need extraordinary love”
To: “Ordinary moments with the right person ARE extraordinary”

Real love is boring sometimes. That’s not emptiness—it’s peace.

First Date Strategy for Type 4s

Find depth in simplicity:

✓ Sunrise coffee - Beauty without orchestration
✓ Used bookstore browsing - Share influences naturally
✓ Picnic with their/your playlist - Emotional sharing through music
✗ Loud clubs - Forced intensity
✗ Group events - Can’t go deep

Texting hack: Send one ordinary observation daily. “The coffee shop played our song.” Practice finding meaning in the mundane.

Vulnerability practice: Share something happy without adding “but
” Let joy be complete.

The power move: Have an entire date without mentioning pain, melancholy, or what’s missing. Find fullness in presence.

Type 4s and emotional regulation: From drama to depth →

Type 5 - The Investigator: When Knowledge Blocks Knowing

The Childhood Download

Knowledge meant safety. Understanding meant control. Emotions were dangerous territories where logic couldn’t protect you.

Now you date like an anthropologist, studying human connection from a safe distance.

The adult pattern: Observing intimacy instead of experiencing it.

You Might Be a Type 5 If:

  • You’ve researched their entire digital footprint
  • You analyze chemistry instead of feeling it
  • You need three days to process one feeling
  • You’d rather text than call (or meet)
  • Emotional intensity makes you want to disappear

Your Dating Kryptonite

Treating emotions like academic subjects.

You understand the concept of love. You’ve read the research. You can explain attachment theory. But understanding and experiencing are different worlds.

“I need to think about how I feel”—Some things are felt, not thought.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I need to understand before I engage”
To: “I can learn through experiencing”

Analysis paralysis keeps you alone. Sometimes you have to jump before mapping the landing.

First Date Strategy for Type 5s

Engage the heart through the mind:

✓ Museum with discussion - Learning together
✓ Documentary + coffee - Ideas bridge to feelings
✓ Bookstore date - Share intellectual interests personally
✗ Loud venues - Sensory overwhelm
✗ Group activities - Energy drain

Texting hack: Add one feeling word to every message. “That’s interesting” becomes “That’s interesting—it made me smile.”

Vulnerability practice: Share an emotion before you understand it. “I feel something but don’t know what yet.”

The power move: Make eye contact for five full seconds. Don’t analyze what it means.

Type 5s and emotional connection: From observer to participant →

Type 6 - The Loyalist: When Safety Becomes Suspicion

The Childhood Download

The world proved dangerous. Trust got betrayed. Safety required constant vigilance.

Now you date like a detective, gathering evidence for the betrayal you’re sure is coming.

The adult pattern: Testing loyalty until you break it.

You Might Be a Type 6 If:

  • You’ve created tests they don’t know they’re taking
  • Mixed signals send you into analysis spirals
  • You need constant reassurance (but don’t believe it)
  • You’re attracted to confidence (but suspicious of it)
  • You’ve sabotaged good things to avoid being surprised by bad

Your Dating Kryptonite

Anxiety disguised as intuition.

You mistake fear for foresight. Create problems to solve them. Test until they fail—then say “I knew it.”

“Something feels off”—Maybe. Or maybe safety feels foreign.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “What if everything goes wrong?”
To: “What if everything goes right?”

Your fears are usually worse than reality. Trust is a choice, not a guarantee.

First Date Strategy for Type 6s

Build safety through consistency:

✓ Familiar coffee shop - Known environment reduces anxiety
✓ Mini golf - Playful but structured
✓ Afternoon dates - Less pressure than evening
✗ Surprises - Trigger hypervigilance
✗ Ambiguous plans - Anxiety spike

Texting hack: When anxious about their response, wait 20 minutes before reading into it. Most “signs” are projections.

Vulnerability practice: Share one fear without asking for reassurance. Let them choose how to respond.

The power move: Assume positive intent for one entire week. Act as if they’re trustworthy. Notice what happens.

Type 6s and trust: From suspicion to security →

Type 7 - The Enthusiast: When Options Become Obstacles

The Childhood Download

Pain could be outrun. Sadness could be avoided. If you kept moving, difficult feelings couldn’t catch you.

Now you date like you’re collecting experiences, skimming surfaces to avoid the depths where real connection lives.

The adult pattern: Mistaking variety for vitality.

You Might Be a Type 7 If:

  • You’re planning date five during date one
  • Emotional conversations trigger your flight response
  • You’ve ended things for being “too heavy”
  • FOMO is stronger than your feelings
  • Boredom feels like death

Your Dating Kryptonite

Treating depth like detention.

You keep things light, fun, exciting. But connection requires going into the dark sometimes. You can’t build intimacy at surface level.

“Why so serious?”—Because real life includes serious moments.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I need constant stimulation”
To: “There’s adventure in going deep with one person”

The greatest thrills require staying still. The best adventures happen internally.

First Date Strategy for Type 7s

Balance excitement with depth:

✓ Food festival + bench talking - Activity with pauses
✓ Sunset kayaking - Adventure with intimate moments
✓ Comedy show + late night coffee - Fun bridging to real
✗ Bar hopping - Too much stimulation
✗ Amusement parks - No space for connection

Texting hack: When you want to change subjects from something heavy, don’t. Stay there one more message.

Vulnerability practice: Share one painful experience without immediately brightening it. Let sadness exist.

The power move: Have an entire date in one location. No backup plans. Find richness in limitation.

Type 7s and commitment: From FOMO to focus →

Type 8 - The Challenger: When Armor Blocks Intimacy

The Childhood Download

Vulnerability got you hurt. Weakness invited predators. Power meant safety.

Now you date in full armor, wondering why no one can reach your heart.

The adult pattern: Dominating to avoid being dominated.

You Might Be a Type 8 If:

  • First dates feel like friendly combat
  • You test their strength through confrontation
  • Emotional conversations feel like losing
  • You’d rather be feared than vulnerable
  • You protect others but won’t accept protection

Your Dating Kryptonite

Confusing vulnerability with weakness.

You show strength, intensity, passion—everything except the soft parts that actually create intimacy.

“I don’t do vulnerable”—Then you don’t do love.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “I must never show weakness”
To: “Vulnerability is the ultimate strength”

Real power includes the courage to be soft. The strongest thing you can do is lower your guard.

First Date Strategy for Type 8s

Show strength through gentleness:

✓ Rock climbing - Trust exercises built in
✓ Cooking together - Collaboration not competition
✓ Animal shelter volunteering - Show your soft side safely
✗ Debate events - Triggers combat mode
✗ Competitive anything - Winning overtakes connecting

Texting hack: Use one emoji per message. Yes, even the heart ones. Practice emotional expression.

Vulnerability practice: Admit you need something. Don’t explain why you deserve it.

The power move: Let them make every decision for one date. Practice yielding control.

Type 8s and vulnerability: The power of softness →

Type 9 - The Peacemaker: When Harmony Hides You

The Childhood Download

Having needs created conflict. Opinions caused problems. It was safer to disappear.

Now you date by becoming a mirror, reflecting what they want while losing yourself.

The adult pattern: Self-erasure disguised as easygoing.

You Might Be a Type 9 If:

  • “I don’t mind” is your catchphrase
  • You adopt their interests instantly
  • Conflict makes you physically sick
  • You can’t remember disagreeing with them
  • You feel invisible even when together

Your Dating Kryptonite

Disappearing into agreement.

You merge so completely there’s no “you” left to love. They’re dating their own reflection.

“I’m just easygoing”—No, you’re hiding.

The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything

From: “My needs create problems”
To: “My truth creates connection”

Real harmony includes all voices—especially yours. Peace without presence is just absence.

First Date Strategy for Type 9s

Assert yourself gently:

✓ Your favorite restaurant - Share your world
✓ Walk in your neighborhood - Your territory, your stories
✓ Activity you’re good at - Show competence and preference
✗ “Whatever you want” - Stop that immediately
✗ Their choices only - Sets self-erasure pattern

Texting hack: Share one preference daily. “I love rainy days” or “I hate cilantro.” Practice having opinions.

Vulnerability practice: Disagree about something small. Maintain warmth through the difference.

The power move: Plan an entire date based on YOUR preferences. Don’t ask for input. Own your choices.

Type 9s and self-assertion: From invisible to indispensable →

Breaking the Pattern: Your 30-Day Challenge

Week 1: Notice your pattern without judging. Just observe.

Week 2: Catch yourself mid-pattern. Don’t change it yet. Just notice.

Week 3: Make one different choice when the pattern starts.

Week 4: Replace your old pattern with your new response.

The Universal Truth

Every type shares one fear: “If they really knew me, they’d leave.”

But here’s what we miss:

The right person doesn’t love you despite your type—they love you because of how you’ve grown through it.

Your patterns aren’t flaws to hide. They’re maps to your depth.

Your Next Move

  1. Identify your pattern from this guide
  2. Share it with someone you’re dating (yes, really)
  3. Practice your type’s vulnerability exercise this week
  4. Notice what changes when you stop the sabotage

The early stages don’t have to be a graveyard of good intentions.

You can break the pattern. You can build something real.

It starts with seeing clearly—then choosing differently.

Ready to go deeper? Join thousands exploring their patterns →

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