The Crash Course on Emotions We All Missed in Kindergarten (And Why Each Type Struggles Differently)

Yeah, we somehow missed the class on emotions, but everyone pretends like they get it.

Think about it: You learned the alphabet. You learned to count. You learned the colors and shapes. But nobody ever sat you down and explained how emotions actually work—what they’re for, why they hijack your brain, or how each personality type experiences them completely differently.

Instead, we got “use your words” and “how does that make you feel?” As if we had any clue what we were actually feeling beyond “good” or “bad.”

Here’s the kicker: Being told you need to be more empathetic is like being told you have no emotional street smarts. It stings because deep down, we know we’re emotionally illiterate—we just don’t want to admit it.

Parents of past generations had almost zero emotional education. No guidance for how they needed to help their children self regulate, to help them through their pain, and how to meet their emotional needs.

Of course the end result is generational trauma.

Parents do they best…

— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) April 9, 2023

Dr. LePera nails it. But here’s what she doesn’t mention: Each Enneagram type got screwed over by this lack of emotional education in a completely different way.

The Education System’s $847 Billion Blind Spot

The U.S. spends $847 billion annually on education. We teach calculus to kids who will never use it. We memorize state capitals that GPS made irrelevant. But emotional literacy? The one skill set that determines relationship success, career advancement, and mental health?

Cricket sounds.

Meanwhile, the World Economic Forum lists emotional intelligence as one of the top 10 job skills for 2025. Companies are spending billions on EQ training. Divorce rates hover at 50%. And we’re all walking around emotionally constipated, wondering why life feels harder than it should.

The Enneagram should count as emotional education. It’s the only system that explains not just what emotions are, but how each personality type’s emotional operating system actually works.

Why Each Type Can’t Feel Their Feelings (And Thinks They’re Fine)

Here’s the truth bomb: Your personality type determines your emotional blind spots. You’re not bad at emotions—you’re bad at specific emotions that threaten your type’s core survival strategy.

The Body Types (8, 9, 1): Anger Deniers

Ask questions, give your hot takes, talk to people

Body types live in their gut but disconnect from the very emotion that lives there—anger. They either over-express it (8s), under-express it (9s), or redirect it into “justified criticism” (1s).

The childhood message they missed: Anger is information, not a character flaw.

The Heart Types (2, 3, 4): Shame Shapeshifters

Ask questions, give your hot takes, talk to people

Heart types are supposedly the “emotional ones,” but they’re actually the worst at processing shame. They either deny their own needs (2s), postpone feelings for productivity (3s), or get so lost in emotional intensity they miss the actual message (4s).

The childhood message they missed: Shame points to where you’re out of alignment, not who you are.

The Head Types (5, 6, 7): Fear Intellectualizers

Ask questions, give your hot takes, talk to people

Head types live in analysis mode but can’t compute their core emotion—fear. They either retreat into their mind castle (5s), project fears onto external threats (6s), or run from fear through constant stimulation (7s).

The childhood message they missed: Fear is trying to protect something precious.

The Emotional Curriculum We Should Have Learned

Imagine if kindergarten included “Emotions 101.” Here’s what the syllabus would look like:

Module 1: Emotions Are Data, Not Directives

Emotions aren’t good or bad—they’re information. Like dashboard lights in your car:

• Anger = Boundary crossed
• Sadness = Something needs to be released
• Fear = Pay attention, something important is at stake
• Joy = More of this, please
• Disgust = This violates your values
• Shame = Disconnection from self or others

Type-specific homework:

• Types 8, 9, 1: Track anger for one week—what boundaries got crossed?
• Types 2, 3, 4: Notice shame spirals—what triggered disconnection?
• Types 5, 6, 7: Identify fear patterns—what needs protection?

Module 2: The 90-Second Rule

Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor discovered that emotions only last 90 seconds in the body. After that, we’re choosing to re-trigger them through our thoughts.

Translation: That anger you’ve been carrying for three years? You’re manually refreshing it every 90 seconds like a broken browser tab.

Type-specific application:

• Type 1: Your resentment is a choice after 90 seconds
• Type 2: That martyrdom feeling? You’re hitting replay
• Type 3: The shame of failure passes quickly—unless you feed it
• Type 4: Melancholy becomes a choice after the chemical wave passes
• Type 5: Emotional withdrawal is a 90-second escape becoming permanent
• Type 6: Anxiety loops are you re-triggering the same fear
• Type 7: FOMO is manufactured after the initial pang
• Type 8: That need for revenge? You’re keeping it alive
• Type 9: Numbing out started as 90 seconds of overwhelm

Module 3: Emotional Granularity (The Vocabulary You Never Got)

Most people have the emotional vocabulary of a toddler: mad, sad, glad, afraid. But research shows that people with higher “emotional granularity”—the ability to distinguish between similar emotions—have better mental health, relationships, and decision-making.

Instead of “angry,” try:

• Irritated, frustrated, annoyed (low intensity)
• Upset, mad, angry (medium intensity)
• Furious, enraged, livid (high intensity)

Each type needs different emotional vocabulary:

Type 1: Learn words for anger variants (indignant, exasperated, disapproving) Type 2: Learn words for personal needs (lonely, depleted, unsupported) Type 3: Learn words for vulnerability (inadequate, exposed, uncertain) Type 4: Learn words for ordinary emotions (content, satisfied, okay) Type 5: Learn words for connection (warm, affectionate, tender) Type 6: Learn words for confidence (secure, trusting, assured) Type 7: Learn words for difficult emotions (disappointed, grief-stricken, empty) Type 8: Learn words for softness (touched, moved, tender) Type 9: Learn words for assertion (determined, fierce, resolute)

Module 4: The Emotional Compass Technique

Your emotions are trying to navigate you toward what matters. Each type has a different “true north”:

• Type 1: Integrity and rightness
• Type 2: Connection and being needed
• Type 3: Achievement and recognition
• Type 4: Authenticity and depth
• Type 5: Understanding and competence
• Type 6: Security and belonging
• Type 7: Freedom and satisfaction
• Type 8: Autonomy and justice
• Type 9: Harmony and inclusion

When emotions arise, ask: “What is this emotion trying to protect or pursue?”

Module 5: Emotional Regulation by Type

Generic “take deep breaths” advice doesn’t work because each type dysregulates differently:

Body Types (8, 9, 1): Need physical discharge

• Take a walk, hit a punching bag, do push-ups
• Literally move the energy through your body
• Then process what boundary was crossed

Heart Types (2, 3, 4): Need authentic expression

• Journal without editing yourself
• Tell someone the unfiltered truth
• Create something that captures the feeling

Head Types (5, 6, 7): Need grounding in the present

• 5-4-3-2-1 technique (5 things you see, 4 you hear, etc.)
• Cold water on face or wrists
• Focus on physical sensations, not mental stories

The Three Emotions That Rule Your Type (And You Don’t Even Know It)

Here’s the wild part: Each Enneagram type is actually driven by three core emotional patterns that formed in childhood. You think you’re making logical decisions, but you’re really just running these ancient programs:

The Childhood Wound → Emotional Pattern → Adult Behavior Chain

Type 1: The Perfectionist

• Childhood wound: Criticized for being imperfect
• Emotional pattern: Anger → Suppression → Resentment
• Adult behavior: Criticizing others before they can criticize you

Type 2: The Helper

• Childhood wound: Love felt conditional on giving
• Emotional pattern: Need → Denial → Manipulation
• Adult behavior: Giving to get, then feeling used

Type 3: The Achiever

• Childhood wound: Valued for doing, not being
• Emotional pattern: Shame → Numbing → Overwork
• Adult behavior: Can’t stop achieving, even when exhausted

Type 4: The Individualist

• Childhood wound: Felt fundamentally different/defective
• Emotional pattern: Envy → Melancholy → Withdrawal
• Adult behavior: Creating drama to feel significant

Type 5: The Investigator

• Childhood wound: Felt invaded or overwhelmed
• Emotional pattern: Fear → Detachment → Isolation
• Adult behavior: Hoarding resources (time, energy, knowledge)

Type 6: The Loyalist

• Childhood wound: Couldn’t trust authority figures
• Emotional pattern: Anxiety → Projection → Testing
• Adult behavior: Creating worst-case scenarios, then preventing them

Type 7: The Enthusiast

• Childhood wound: Felt trapped or limited
• Emotional pattern: Fear → Denial → Escape
• Adult behavior: Constantly planning the next adventure

Type 8: The Challenger

• Childhood wound: Vulnerability was dangerous
• Emotional pattern: Hurt → Anger → Control
• Adult behavior: Dominating before being dominated

Type 9: The Peacemaker

• Childhood wound: Presence caused conflict
• Emotional pattern: Anger → Suppression → Passive-aggression
• Adult behavior: Merging with others, losing self

The Advanced Emotional Moves Nobody Teaches

1. Emotional Contagion Awareness

Emotions are contagious—literally. Mirror neurons make you “catch” emotions from others. But each type has different susceptibility:

• High susceptibility (catch everything): Types 2, 9
• Medium susceptibility (catch from certain people): Types 3, 6, 7
• Low susceptibility (emotional firewalls): Types 1, 4, 5, 8

The hack: Before important conversations, do an “emotional inventory”—what am I feeling that’s actually mine?

2. The Emotional Sandwich Technique

When processing difficult emotions:

1. Name it (acknowledgment)
2. Claim it (ownership without judgment)
3. Tame it (choose your response)

Type-specific example for anger:

• Type 8: “I’m furious (name), this is my anger about injustice (claim), I’ll channel it into protective action (tame)”
• Type 9: “I’m angry (name), even though I wish I wasn’t (claim), I’ll express this calmly but firmly (tame)”
• Type 1: “I’m indignant (name), this violates my standards (claim), I’ll address what can be improved (tame)”

3. Emotional Aikido

Instead of resisting emotions, use their energy:

• Anxiety → Channel into preparation
• Anger → Channel into boundary-setting
• Sadness → Channel into letting go
• Fear → Channel into discernment
• Envy → Channel into clarity about desires
• Shame → Channel into realignment

4. The Emotional API Method

Treat emotions like an API (application programming interface):

• Input: Triggering event
• Processing: Your type’s default program
• Output: Behavioral response

You can’t always control the input, but you can modify the processing:

Type 3 receiving criticism:

• Default processing: Criticism → Shame → Overwork to prove worth
• Modified processing: Criticism → Information → Strategic improvement

Type 6 facing uncertainty:

• Default processing: Unknown → Catastrophizing → Paralysis
• Modified processing: Unknown → Curiosity → Calculated risk

The Emotions-Enneagram Integration Practice

Here’s your 7-day emotional literacy bootcamp:

Day 1-2: Emotional Check-ins

• Set 3 phone alarms daily
• When they go off, identify what you’re feeling
• Use specific words, not just “fine” or “stressed”

Day 3-4: Pattern Tracking

• Notice which emotions you avoid (your type’s kryptonite)
• Notice which emotions you overuse (your type’s default)
• Track the 90-second rule—are you refreshing old emotions?

Day 5-6: Emotional Experiments

• Type 1: Express anger directly (not as criticism)
• Type 2: State a need without helping first
• Type 3: Share a failure without immediately fixing it
• Type 4: Describe an ordinary moment as sufficient
• Type 5: Express an emotion in real-time, not retrospectively
• Type 6: Trust something without triple-checking
• Type 7: Sit with a difficult feeling for full 90 seconds
• Type 8: Show vulnerability without armor
• Type 9: Express disagreement immediately

Day 7: Integration

• Write down your type’s emotional pattern
• Identify one place to interrupt the pattern
• Commit to one new emotional response

Why This Matters More Than You Think

We’re living in the loneliest era in human history despite being more “connected” than ever. Mental health issues are skyrocketing. Relationships are failing at record rates.

The common denominator? Emotional illiteracy.

We’re trying to navigate modern life with emotional skills that peaked in kindergarten. We’re using “mad, sad, glad” to process complex adult experiences. We’re wondering why we feel disconnected when we can’t even name what we’re feeling.

The Enneagram isn’t just a personality system—it’s the emotional education we should have received. It’s the owner’s manual for your emotional operating system. It’s the difference between reacting from unconscious patterns and responding from conscious choice.

The Plot Twist: Emotions Are Your Superpower

Here’s what nobody tells you: Your type’s “difficult” emotion is actually your hidden superpower when you learn to work with it:

• Type 1’s anger becomes fuel for justice and improvement
• Type 2’s neediness becomes deep empathy and connection
• Type 3’s shame becomes authentic vulnerability that inspires others
• Type 4’s envy becomes creative fuel and depth
• Type 5’s fear becomes wisdom and foresight
• Type 6’s anxiety becomes incredible preparation and loyalty
• Type 7’s pain avoidance becomes resilience and optimism
• Type 8’s vulnerability becomes protective strength
• Type 9’s anger becomes powerful peace-making

Your Emotional Homework (The Assignment That Actually Matters)

Forget everything school taught you about hiding emotions, being “professional,” or staying positive. Here’s your real assignment:

1. Identify your type’s core emotion (anger, shame, or fear)
2. Track it for one week without judging it
3. Notice the 90-second rule in action
4. Experiment with one new response when it arises
5. Share this with someone who needs emotional permission

Because here’s the truth: Emotions are like that book on your shelf you’ve looked at twice but haven’t taken time to read front to back. Except this book contains the instructions for every relationship you’ll ever have, every decision you’ll ever make, and every moment of suffering or joy you’ll ever experience.

The kindergarten class we missed? It’s not too late to take it.

Your emotions aren’t the enemy. They’re the curriculum. And understanding them through your Enneagram type isn’t just self-improvement—it’s the education that could transform how you experience literally everything.

Class is now in session.