Compliment Cheat Sheet
| Type | What They Fear | Compliment That Lands | Avoid |
|---|---|---|---|
| Type 1 | Being corrupt/bad | “Your integrity inspires me” | “You’re always right” (sounds sarcastic) |
| Type 2 | Being unloved | “I love you for who you are, not what you do” | “Thanks for helping” (too transactional) |
| Type 3 | Being worthless | “I admire the person behind the success” | “You’re so accomplished” (surface level) |
| Type 4 | Being ordinary | “Your perspective is unlike anyone’s” | “You’re so unique” (feels dismissive) |
| Type 5 | Being incompetent | “Your insight changed how I see this” | “You’re so smart” (too generic) |
| Type 6 | Being without support | “I trust your judgment completely” | “Don’t worry so much” (invalidating) |
| Type 7 | Being trapped in pain | “I see the depth beneath your energy” | “You’re so fun!” (misses the point) |
| Type 8 | Being controlled/hurt | “Your fairness inspires loyalty” | “You’re so strong” (expected) |
| Type 9 | Being insignificant | “Your presence makes everything better” | “You’re so easy-going” (invisibilizing) |
"You're so smart!" "You're so nice!" "Great job!"
These compliments fall flat. They’re generic, forgettable, and don’t make anyone feel truly seen.
The secret to meaningful compliments? Acknowledge what they secretly fear they lack. Each Enneagram type has a core fear—and when you affirm the opposite of that fear, you touch something deep.
Type 1: The Perfectionist
Core fear: Being corrupt, bad, or morally flawed
Type 1s have a relentless inner critic constantly telling them they’re not good enough. They strive for perfection because they genuinely want to be good people.
Say this: “Your integrity inspires me. I’ve noticed how you always try to do the right thing, even when it’s hard.”
Why it works: You’re telling them what their inner critic never does—that they ARE good, not just correct.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re always right” (sounds sarcastic)
- “You need to relax” (dismisses their values)
- “It’s good enough” (triggers their inner critic)
Type 2: The Helper
Core fear: Being unloved or unwanted for who they are
Type 2s give constantly because they fear that without being useful, they won’t be loved. They need to know they matter beyond what they provide.
Say this: “I love spending time with you—not because of what you do for me, but because of who you are.”
Why it works: You’re separating their worth from their usefulness. This is the validation they crave but rarely receive.
Avoid saying:
- “Thanks for helping” (too transactional)
- “What would I do without you?” (reinforces usefulness = worth)
- “You’re so selfless” (pressure to keep giving)
Type 3: The Achiever
Core fear: Being worthless without achievements
Type 3s chase success because they believe they ARE their accomplishments. Deep down, they fear that without the wins, no one would want them.
Say this: “I admire who you are, not just what you’ve achieved. The person behind all that success is someone I genuinely respect.”
Why it works: You’re seeing past the resume to the human. That’s rare for them—and deeply meaningful.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re so successful” (surface level—they hear this constantly)
- “You’re a machine!” (dehumanizing)
- “I could never do what you do” (puts them on a pedestal)
wow! you make me feel so good about myself
Type 4: The Individualist
Core fear: Being ordinary, having no identity or significance
Type 4s feel fundamentally different from others—like everyone else got a manual for being human that they never received. They search constantly for their authentic self.
Say this: “I’ve never met anyone who sees the world quite like you do. Your perspective genuinely makes me think differently.”
Why it works: You’re validating their uniqueness without the dismissive “you’re so unique” that they’ve heard a thousand times. You’re saying their difference MATTERS.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re so unique” (feels like a brush-off)
- “Cheer up!” (dismisses their emotional depth)
- “Everyone feels that way” (erases their identity)
Type 5: The Investigator
Core fear: Being incompetent, overwhelmed, or depleted
Type 5s hoard knowledge and energy because they fear they don’t have enough to meet the world’s demands. They need to know their insights actually matter.
Say this: “Your insight on this completely changed how I understand it. You have a way of seeing patterns others miss.”
Why it works: You’re showing their knowledge had IMPACT—it wasn’t just information, it was valuable. That’s what they need to hear.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re so smart” (too generic)
- “You think too much” (dismisses their process)
- “Just trust your gut” (invalidates their approach)
Type 6: The Loyalist
Core fear: Being without support or guidance, unable to survive on their own
Type 6s question everything—including themselves. They’re looking for something or someone trustworthy in an uncertain world. What they really need is to trust themselves.
Say this: “I trust your judgment on this. You always think things through carefully, and that’s valuable.”
Why it works: You’re reflecting back the trustworthiness they desperately want to believe they have. You’re saying they can rely on themselves.
Avoid saying:
- “Don’t worry so much” (dismisses their legitimate concerns)
- “Just relax” (invalidating)
- “You’re being paranoid” (confirms their worst fears)
Type 7: The Enthusiast
Core fear: Being trapped in pain, deprivation, or boredom
Type 7s chase experiences because they’re running FROM something—usually painful emotions they don’t want to feel. They want to be seen as more than just “the fun one.”
Say this: “I really appreciate how you can find the possibility in any situation. But I also see there’s a lot more depth to you than people realize.”
Why it works: You’re acknowledging their optimism while seeing beneath it. That’s rare—and it means you actually see THEM.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re so fun!” (reduces them to entertainment)
- “You’re always so positive” (pressure to perform)
- “Must be nice to never worry” (dismisses their inner world)
Bring it in. You are my friend now.
Type 8: The Challenger
Core fear: Being controlled, harmed, or violated by others
Type 8s project strength because vulnerability once got them hurt. They protect others fiercely—but they also want to be seen as fair and just, not just powerful.
Say this: “I respect how you stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves. Your sense of fairness is something I really admire.”
Why it works: Everyone tells 8s they’re strong. Few acknowledge their justice-oriented heart. This sees past the armor.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re so intimidating” (confirms their fear of being seen as a threat)
- “You’re so strong” (expected and surface-level)
- “Calm down” (will backfire spectacularly)
Type 9: The Peacemaker
Core fear: Loss of connection, fragmentation, being shut out
Type 9s merge with others and minimize themselves to maintain harmony. They’re often overlooked, and they’ve learned to be okay with that—even though it hurts.
Say this: “I really want to hear what YOU think about this. Your perspective matters to me.”
Why it works: You’re literally saying their voice matters—the thing they most doubt. You’re pulling them into existence.
Avoid saying:
- “You’re so easy-going” (makes them invisible)
- “Whatever you want is fine” (forces them to disappear)
- “Don’t you have an opinion?” (accusatory)
The Enneagram is a mirror, reflecting the multifaceted nature of humanity. By understanding and appreciating each type, we bridge gaps, forge connections, and create a world rich in empathy and understanding.
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